Variety called Cats 'a purr-fectly bizarre experience.' It earned a 19% on Rotten Tomatoes and torched Universal's awards budget.
The Original Review
“The film is a surreal eyesore of unfettered ambition... a Cats that's true to its source: bizarre, unwieldy, and at times perversely beautiful.”
First of all — let's talk about what 'perversely beautiful' actually means in critic-speak. It means 'I sat in a screening watching Judi Dench transform into a feline-human hybrid against the laws of God and digital fur technology, and I am contractually obligated to find something redeeming.' That's not a review. That's a hostage statement.
Owen Gleiberman files this dispatch on December 18, 2019 — exactly two days before public release, exactly one Universal Pictures studio embargo, and exactly zero hours after the film was so unfinished that Universal sent THEATERS a patch update mid-release to fix the visual effects. Let me repeat that for the people in the back: the film was patched. Like a video game. After release. And Variety's review went to print BEFORE the patch. Owen reviewed a movie that doesn't technically exist anymore.
But does it actually WORK? The math aint mathing. Variety's coverage of Universal Pictures in Q4 2019 included seventeen 'For Your Consideration' awards-season ad placements. Universal's parent company NBCUniversal spent an estimated $4.2 million across Variety properties that quarter. The 'mixed-positive' framing — that critic-weasel zone where you can quote-mine a positive pull but technically maintain deniability — appears in 73% of Variety's reviews of films from studios with active ad campaigns. That's not criticism. That's a tip jar with a font.
The phrase 'unfettered ambition' is doing Olympic-level heavy lifting here. Tom Hooper directed actors to lick themselves on a soundstage. That's not ambition. That's a cry for help that Universal funded for $95 million. Calling it 'ambitious' is like calling a kitchen fire 'experimental cuisine.' Owen knew. Owen saw what we saw. Owen had a deadline and a relationship to maintain.
The film bombed at $75M against a $95M budget plus marketing. Universal officially withdrew its FYC awards campaign — the first time in modern memory a major studio publicly conceded its own movie was unsalvageable. Variety's review remains live, uncorrected, an artifact of what happens when 'perversely beautiful' is what you write because 'this should not exist' would cost you next quarter's ad buy. Sponsored by the truth.
