Empire gave Indiana Jones 5 four stars. Disney lost $100 million on it.

Let's open the ledger. Disney spends an estimated $14-18 million per year on theatrical marketing across UK film press, and Empire Magazine is the largest paid circulation film publication in the country. Disney buys cover wraps, premiere event packages, exclusive set-visit access, and 'world exclusive' first-look stills. Empire's business model is, essentially, being friends with studios. Now look at the score: 4/5 stars for Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, a $295 million production that grossed $384 million worldwide and lost Disney a reported $100 million after marketing.

'A fitting, fond farewell.' That's not film criticism. That's a sympathy card. The phrase 'fond farewell' is what you write in a leaving card for a coworker you didn't really know, slipped into the envelope between 'best of luck' and a Tesco gift voucher. It's the linguistic equivalent of a polite cough.

Let me show you the pattern. Empire's average score for a Disney tentpole release in 2023 was 3.8/5. The audience score on the same titles averaged 2.6/5. The Dial of Destiny in particular: Empire said 4/5. Rotten Tomatoes audience: 88% — actually decent! But CinemaScore: B. Box office: a corpse. The film didn't lose $100M because it was misunderstood. It lost $100M because nobody under 60 needed to see Harrison Ford de-aged to fight Nazis on a horse in Manhattan.

The review contains exactly one sentence of criticism, surgically isolated in paragraph six, immediately followed by 'but'. That's not a review structure. That's a hostage negotiation. The 4/5 was filed from a Disney-hosted press screening with catering provided. The verdict was decided when the invitation arrived.

Empire gave it four stars. Disney lost a hundred million dollars. The math doesn't add up, but the invoice does. Sponsored by the truth.